Would you be surprised to hear that 10-20% of women have never experienced an orgasm? Plus, there are many other women that have a very tough time having one. You are absolutely not alone, and more importantly, this is something that can change.
Why Is This So Common?
Attitudes towards sex, sexuality and gender vary a lot between different cultures. Our upbringing, religious affiliations and social influences all affect our approach to our own sexuality and sexual practices. Many women grow up receiving little to no accurate education about their own bodies, and in particular about the clitoris — the primary source of female pleasure. Add to that the pressure to perform, unrealistic expectations set by media and pornography, stress, hormonal changes, past trauma, or relationship dynamics, and it becomes clear why so many women struggle. The good news? The barriers are largely learned — which means they can be unlearned.
Why Masturbation Is the Starting Point
Masturbation is the perfect way for you to figure out what feels good. By taking matters “in your own hands” you are on your way towards getting in touch with your sexual pleasures. Being in the right mood and with a relaxing environment helps your experience be a success. Using fingers, hands, lubricants, sex toys, porn and fantasy are all fun ways to learn your pleasure spots.
First, let me say that masturbation is completely normal and a common activity that is totally healthy. The official definition of masturbation is where you touch or self-stimulate your genitals to achieve sexual arousal and pleasure that can bring on an orgasm — but not always! In a recent study it was found that 89% of women masturbate and 95% of men. Unfortunately, masturbation can be an off-limits topic, which can make it feel awkward and shameful, giving way to guilt and anxiety. Give yourself permission to let those feelings go. Your pleasure is valid.
How Long Does It Take a Woman to Orgasm?
Longer than most people think, and that’s completely normal.
Research shows that on average, women take about 14 minutes to orgasm during sex with a partner, and around 8 minutes during masturbation.
By comparison, men take an average of just 6 minutes — so the difference is significant.
Perhaps most importantly, nearly 70% of women cannot orgasm from intercourse alone — most need direct clitoral stimulation to get there.
How Do I Do It?
Masturbation is a skill that has to be learned — just like walking, running and riding a bike!
Step 1: Get the Setting Right
You must be in a quiet location without any distractions. Turn the cell phone off, put on some relaxing music, dim the lights, and give yourself real privacy. Clear your mind and focus on empowering yourself to take control of your body and your emotional, physical and sexual needs. Think of this as sacred “me time”, you deserve it.
Step 2: Get Comfortable in Your Body
Before jumping straight to genital stimulation, spend some time getting aroused. This might mean reading erotica, watching ethical porn, using fantasy, or simply running your hands slowly over your body. Arousal is not just physical; it starts in the mind. The more mentally present and turned on you are, the more responsive your body will be.
Step 3: Begin Stimulating the Clitoris
Use 2 fingers and a vaginal lubricant to gently stroke the area on and around the clitoris and clitoral hood. Start by touching your clit lightly at first, then gradually apply harder and stronger pressure as it becomes stimulated and engorged. Don’t rush this process, the stimulation of the clitoris may take anywhere from 10 to 60 minutes, and that is completely normal. Every woman is different.
Step 4: Engage Your Pelvic Floor
As your clit becomes more stimulated, try squeezing your butt cheeks together. This contracts your pelvic floor muscles, also known as Kegel contractions, which can significantly help you achieve an orgasm. The pleasure sensation will build in your clitoral area and spread throughout your entire body. With practice, you will learn exactly what type of pressure, speed and rhythm works best for you. Practice makes perfect!
Step 5: Consider a Vibrator
Alternatively, you can try the widely recommended “Original Magic Wand” vibrator. You can purchase it online or at a local sex shop. For many women, a vibrator provides a level of consistent stimulation that fingers alone cannot easily replicate, making it an excellent tool, especially when just starting out. (Optional but highly effective!)
Bringing It Into Your Relationship
It is so important that you understand what feels good and what doesn’t. Intimacy and sexual satisfaction are basic human instincts. Once you have done the personal exploration and know your own body, you must be able to verbalize to your partner what will help you achieve an orgasm, the pace, the pressure, the location, the mood. Communication is everything.
But most importantly, before you can verbalize it to anyone else, you need to verbalize it to yourself. Self-knowledge is the foundation of sexual fulfillment. Be patient with yourself, be curious, and remember — this journey is entirely yours.
The bottom line? You are not too slow. You are not broken. You are normal — you just need the right kind of stimulation, enough time, and zero pressure.
