What should I focus on in sexual wellness in my 20’s?
Your 20’s are spent trying to understand your body, your sexuality and your ability to feel and receive pleasure. Every woman in her 20s is quietly trying to figure out what is “her” normal. According to a recent study from the University of Montreal, sexual desires and behaviors that are considered abnormal in psychiatry are actually the norm. So, unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to sexual norm, but there is a way to help you understand your own normal—your own sexuality. Explore you pleasure and erogenous zones and know what you like and enjoy so you can share it with a partner.
Why is sex so important?
Our sex and sexuality are as part of our lives as is eating and sleeping. Having sex-with yourself or a partner- is an important aspect of our wellbeing, and, in a healthy romantic relationship, it’s as important as love and affection. Enjoyable sex is learned. Sure, there’s instinct and maybe a dusting of magic involved, but you don’t magically have an orgasm without having an active role in making it happen. You and your partner have to acknowledge each other’s likes and dislikes, and learn how to satisfy each other. Open and honest conversations are necessary to make the sexual experience optimal for both of you, whether you have multiple partners or self-esteem to spare.
Low Sex Drive
Why do I have a low sex drive?
Intimacy, sex and orgasm often all begin with desire. If you don’t have any desire, you will not be able to have an orgasm-plain and simple, mission will not be accomplished! Let’s face it a woman’s sex drive is complicated and often challenging to understand. A low sex drive or low libido is the most common sexual complaint affecting millions (40 million to be exact!) of women. Women’s sexual desire and appetite begins in that great organ above the shoulders, rather than the one below the waist. The daily stresses of work, money, children, relationships and diminished energy are common issues contributing to a low libido in women. Other causes may be pain with sex, depression, anxiety, lack of privacy, medication side effects, medical conditions such as endometriosis, high blood pressure or arthritis, menopausal symptoms, or a history of physical or sexual abuse. Significant and on-going stress also affects our libido.
Is having sex really healthy for you?
There are very few things better in life for your heart, body and soul, literally, then consensual sex. Emotionally, sex is comforting, calming, relieves stress, reduces anxiety and boosts your confidence and overall sense of well-being. It’s also thought that regular sex allows women and men to look younger and live longer. There are many physical benefits. For starters, the act of sexual intimacy can be a great workout and count as such for many as their daily exercise regimen. Other medical benefits of regular sex is it makes for a stronger immune system, fighting off common illnesses such as colds and having less sick days from work. Regular sex helps lower your blood pressure and lowers your risk of heart attacks. Sex stimulates the vaginas natural secretions and increases blood flow. The natural lubrication created by the vagina keeps the integrity of the tissue healthy and strong. The more sex you have the more sex you want so it’s a great to boost your sexual desire and libido. Regular sex is ideal for a healthy relationship and supports healthy living. It’s also important to point out regular sex with yourself also has health benefits. Masturbation also gives you some of these same physical and emotional perks.
Do I really have to make sex a priority?
Regardless of your age, a person’s sexual health has to be made a priority in life. Despite life’s expected obstacles and hormonal challenges, a sexual and intimate life reminds you that your body deserves to be celebrated and pleasure may be within an arm’s reach.
It’s uncomfortable for me to talk about sex? Any Advice?
People are not talking about sexual health or making it a priority. It may give you comfort knowing that 40% of your girlfriends are having some sexual difficulties as well. Depending where you are in life, sexual health issues create a roadblock. It may surprise you that 10 to 50% of women have never had an orgasm. You may wonder how this is possible but talking about sex and sexual dysfunction is not a comfortable conversation with your partner, your BFF or your health care provider. 50% of women never share this information with their health care provider and anyone else for that matter.
Is there something wrong with me if I can’t have an orgasm during vaginal penetration?
With its 10,000 highly sensitive nerve endings, the main function of the clitoris is to give pleasure. When stimulated, it becomes 3 times its size, and will ultimately bring you to an orgasm. During vaginal penetration, if may be difficult to have a clitoral orgasm but 25% of women can have a vaginal orgasm. The majority of women have a clitoral orgasm only during oral and manual stimulation of the clitoris. With patience and practice you can learn to have a vaginal orgasm, but you usually need to have the clitoris stimulated at the same time.
Is it normal to feel like I wet the bed during sex?
Gushing, squirting, ejaculation and coming are all words to describe a true sexual phenomenon. When sexually aroused or stimulated there is an expulsion of fluid that comes from the glands around a women’s urethra, or anterior surface of the vagina, during or before an orgasm. This occurrence is also thought to be related to having your G-spot stimulated. It was found that 10-40% of women have at one time or another had a “gushing” moment during orgasm. For some the gush feels as though you are wetting the bed and for others it is less obvious.
Vibrators
Is it strange that I can only have an orgasm with my vibrator and not with my partner?
For many women having an orgasm with a vibrator is a no-brainer since there is not as much work involved. It’s important to communicate what you like in bed, what gets you excited and what you like done to you to orgasm, in order to be able to have a sexually satisfying relationship with your partner.
What are the benefits of using a vibrator?
It’s exciting to hear that over 50% of women own and use a vibrator regularly. Vibrators help us navigate our sexual hot spots more easily and, sometimes more efficiently.
Vibrators make having an orgasm easier, faster and even more intense for many women. They can be a resourceful and effective way of masturbating. Vibrators can also help you guide your partner to what you especially like under the sheets.
How do vibrators actually help with orgasms?
Vibrators can stimulate the clitoris in ways that makes achieving an orgasm much easier and faster especially for those that have other medical reasons that make having an orgasm harder to achieve. Medical conditions and aging can ruin your libido, decrease blood flow to the clitoris and vagina, dry up your normal vaginal secretions and cause pain with sexual penetration. A vibrator can be just what the doctor ordered.
Vibrators have long been a taboo and the best kept secret. The time is now to bring the vibrator out of the closet as it’s really a girl’s best friend. It’s time to embrace our sexuality and enjoy using whatever type of sex toy turns you on.
Does vibrator use decrease clitoral or vaginal sensitivity over time?
The good news is using a vibrator should not decrease clitoral or vaginal sensitivity. Moderating in life should always be exercised even when using a vibrator. Excessive use of a vibrator may make having an orgasm with your partner impossible.
Vibrators can make it challenging for your partner to be as efficient in getting you to the finish line. Work with your partner so you don’t become vibrator dependent.
I have been using a vibrator forever and now I am in a relationship, worried I won’t be able to cum without one. What do you suggest?
For many women having an orgasm with a vibrator is a no-brainy, there is not much work involved. It’s important to communicate what you like in bed and what gets you excited in order to be able to have a sexually satisfying relationship with your partner. Variety is important in the bedroom otherwise your body will only want one way to orgasm.
What should I avoid when selecting the right vibrator for me?
It’s so important to make sure the vibrator you buy is safe to use which means it should be free of toxic chemicals such as polyvinyl chloride (PVC), vinyl and jelly rubber which contain harmful phthalates toxins. You want to make sure the vibrator cannot cause any trauma to any of your lady parts including the vagina, labia or clitoris.
Avoid vibrators that are absorbent, spongy, permeable or porous/semi-porous materials since they increase the risk of bacteria buildup which can cause yeast, bacterial or urinary tract infections. Porous material traps dirt and bacteria increasing the risk of a variety of infections. The better quality non-porous material is safer and less likely to increase your risk of infection.
Also, always wash your vibrator with warm water and soap after and between using it. Finding a vibrator that looks easy to use and not too complicated!
Can I be addicted to my vibrator?
Vibrator addiction can be a real thing if you allow it to be so. Moderation is the key in life, in health and in using a vibrator. You can really never over use a vibrator unless it starts to interfere with your daily activities such as work, school or your current sexual relationship.
Where is my G-Spot?
The G-spot is located 2 to 3 inches on the anterior entrance of the vagina feels prominent and spongy. Pushing your fingers 2 inches beyond the G-spot allows you to find the A-spot. Finding your personal sweet spots is unique for everyone. Practice makes perfect! Find your personal roadmap under the sheets, it’s your responsibility!
Where is my A-Spot?
The A-spot is an erogenous zone in the vagina that can bring you to orgasm, multiple times, according to women who have found its location. The A-spot is located in one of the deepest parts of the top or front wall of the vagina. You can find it with fingers, reaching deep inside the vagina and sweeping your fingers in a windshield wiper motion. Pressure and movement with fingers may be the best way to find the A-spot. Others describe its location at the back end of the clitoris, where the wall inside the vagina begins to curve upwards. Vaginal sex with a penis is not necessary in order to find the A-spot. The A-spot can also be found with anal sex with an indirect stimulation between the vagina and the rectum which can stimulate this highly sensitive area.
I love having sex with my GF using a dildo and strap on. It’s a great orgasm for me, are dildo’s safe?
Many women love to have something inside their vagina when their clitoris is being simulated. If you don’t have a male partner, have a female partner or are going solo for some sexual satisfaction, dildos add that feeling of fullness inside the vagina while stimulating the clitoris. Dildos with a suction cup on the base allow you to attach it onto a shower wall and have wet n’ wild time while conditioning your hair in the morning. Dildos are the perfect sex toy to use when masturbating, anytime day or night! Lesbians and bi-sexual women love using a dildo that is strapped onto their partner. Using a strap on belt allows your partner to use a dildo to penetrate the vagina or anus while caressing the clitoris at the same time. It’s a definite turn on for this group of women!
Can Ben Wa Balls give me a yeast infection?
Ben Wa Balls, also known as Orgasm balls, Geisha balls, love balls, Kegel balls or smart balls allow your vagina to do some sexual bench pressing of the pelvic floor muscles. The weighted Ben Wa Balls places the vagina on stand by for something wonderful that is about to happen. These sexually tantalizing balls go inside the vagina to help tighten and squeeze the walls of the vagina against them. This pelvic floor tightening is also known as a Kegel exercise which can increase sexual sensation before and during penetrative sex or orgasm. Ben Wa Balls are also helpful for urinary incontinence and other pelvic floor dysfunction. Before and after using any kind of “balls” inside the vagina make sure you properly clean they with warm water and antibacterial soap and dry them well with a clean towel.
I want to try a Butt Plug with my partner, what is the best way to use them?
Butt plugs are a popular sex toy for all genders. Close to 40% of women have tried anal sex, at least one in their life, and many more have tried butt plugs. Butt plugs help stretch the opening of the anus, providing a full sensation that is pleasurable. It’s best to start with a small or medium size butt plug. Make sure you are adequately lubricated, using silicone lube on the butt plug itself, and on the anal area, since the anus is not self-lubricating, like the vagina. Silicone lube will not break the material for a silicone butt plug and is the preferred lubricant. Make sure the size feels comfortable upon gentle insertion. Sometimes it’s easier using a well lubricated finger inside the anus to help massage the opening of the anus in preparation for the butt plug. Doing so will make insertion of the butt plug easier. Once the anus is relaxed, you can gently insert the butt plug. With the butt plug inserted, squeeze the anus with the toy inside and this will help the anal sphincter relax and open. Once fully inserted you can enjoy the pleasure and “fullness” that the butt plug provides. Remember the butt plus is reserved for the booty only. Don’t insert it into the vagina unless the butt plug been washed and cleaned thoroughly so harmful bacterial from the anus won’t be transferred into the vagina. Have fun!
I swear I had an orgasm while my partner and I had a great make-out session. Does that happen?
Kissing is incredibly erotic, especially long and passionate “make out” sessions with someone you love or like a lot. Passionate kissing is often the very best foreplay you can have during an intimate encounter. Since women are aroused in many different ways, the act of kissing can definitely bring you to orgasm without any sexual stimulation.
Pregnancy & Postpartum Sex
Can I have sex in pregnancy?
Sex in pregnancy is completely safe for low-risk women. There are misconceptions that sex can cause a miscarriage so pregnant woman and their partners are often afraid to have sex during pregnancy. Men are often terrified to have sex with their pregnant partners for fear of hurting the baby. Many believe women are more sexual doing their pregnancy but in truth this doesn’t seem to be the case. Women often lack an interest in sex and prefer to be held, cuddled and kissed during pregnant. Extra weight gain makes pregnant women feel depressed and less sexy. Breast enlargement is loved by husbands and partners but typically not by the pregnant woman. Women worry that an orgasm can led to a miscarriage, preterm labor or premature rupture of membranes. Each trimester brings a whole new set of circumstances that sets the stage for sex and intimacy obstacles.
It is normal not to be interested in having sex with my husband in pregnancy?
It is completely normal for your sexual desires and interests to change during pregnancy. Many people experience fluctuations in their sex drive during this time due to hormonal changes, physical discomfort, or emotional factors. It’s important to remember that everyone’s experience is unique, and there is no right or wrong way to feel. The amniotic fluid filled sac and strong muscles of the uterus protect the baby, creating a safe environment. Old myths that sex and orgasms can cause miscarriage, preterm labor or premature rupture of membranes (bag of water breaks) are not true in healthy and uncomplicated pregnancies.
What are circumstances where I can’t have sex during pregnancy?
High risk pregnancy’s that would prohibit sex include having multiples-twins and triplets, placenta abnormalities-placenta previa, preterm labor, shortened cervix, premature rupture of membranes, intrauterine growth restriction (small baby) and recurrent herpes outbreaks are conditions that would prevent you from having sex with your partner during pregnancy.
Can my husband’s penis hurt the baby during sex?
Fear of hurting the baby with sexual intercourse is a common fear and misconceptions for pregnant women and their partners. Sex with a male partner will not hurt the baby in any way even sexual positions of deep penetration, Doggy Style as an example. The penis will poke the uterus but for those women who are low risk this will not present a problem. The good news is that the baby is surrounded by 1-2 liters of fluid which serves as a protective cushion during sex. The baby may be bounced around but know that the baby is safe and insulated.
Can I masturbate during pregnancy?
Masturbation is normal and safe for both you and your baby in an uncomplicated pregnancy. Masturbation is an easy way to give yourself some pleasure and help relieve tension or stress.
When should I avoid masturbation during pregnancy?
If a pregnant person is having any complications of pregnancy, you should avoid any kind of sexual activity. A pregnant person should abstain from masturbation if experiencing any signs of pre-term labor, uterine cramping, spontaneous rupture of membranes (bag of water breaking), vaginal bleeding, pelvic pain or uterine cramping. Always consult with your healthcare provider if you have any concerns or questions.
What tips do you have for safe, comfortable masturbation during pregnancy?
The best sexual position for a pregnant person is often lying on your right or left side. Ultimately the best position is whatever is most comfortable for you. Lying flat on your back for extended periods of time is not recommended since it can cause dizziness and can decrease the blood flow to the baby. Be sure and keep your vibrator and sex toys clean to protect yourself against a vaginal or bladder infection. Untreated infections and increase your risk of more significant pregnancy complications. Always empty your bladder after masturbating. Wash your hands, wash your sex toy and have a great time under the sheets during pregnancy…with yourself!
Is it safe to use a vibrator or other sex toy during pregnancy?
Assuming a pregnant person has a healthy and low risk pregnancy, it is safe to use a vibrator and other sex toys during any trimester of pregnancy. A pregnant person should avoid using a vibrator or sex toy if you are experiencing any signs of pre-term labor, spontaneous rupture of membranes (bag of water breaking), vaginal bleeding, pelvic pain or uterine cramping. These are all indications to avoid any kind of sexual activity.
What features should a pregnant person look for in a vibrator or sex toy?
It’s best to use sex toys made of silicone since they are porous-free which reduces the risk of a vaginal infections and are easier to clean. Avoid toys that contain phthalates-a potentially harmful (cancer and effect reproductive system) chemical found in sex toys that helps with making them more flexible and softer. Many labels will say “phthalate-free” and those are the ones you want to purchase. Other materials you want to avoid include polyvinyl chloride (PVC), vinyl and jelly rubber which often contain phthalates.
Avoid toys that are absorbent, spongy and permeable since this increases the risk of bacteria buildup in the toy itself.
When can I have sex again after having a baby?
Postpartum is the least talked about time during the pregnancy cycle is the postpartum period. From the moment the baby is delivered until the body completely recovers is the postpartum period—this can take up to one year. At the 6-week postpartum visit, you see your obstetrician for an exam, pap smear and birth control and now are given permission to have sex and get back into the bathtub again. For the majority of women, the warm bubble bath sounds luxurious while the thought of having sex again is the last thing on their mind. If you had a vaginal birth your vagina is finally healing from the trauma of the delivery and you should be given approval for sexual activity by your healthcare provider.
I am 8 weeks postpartum and I have pain with sex, is that normal?
The initial hormonal surge of change during the first 6 weeks puts women in the mood NOT to have sex. Painful intercourse is a common when you are given the green light to have sex. If you are breastfeeding, your vagina has less estrogen around to help naturally lubricate the vagina. Dryness, irritation, burning, itching, painful urination and painful intercourse are common symptoms when you ease back into sex with your partner. Sex is usually the last thing you are interested in doing after having a baby but with patience, time and KY it will feel enjoyable again.
When will sex get more comfortable for me and my husband after having a baby?
Around 6 to 9 months, women tend to have more hormonal stability, and this helps them feel more in the mood for intimacy and sex. Your vagina is healed and your body tends to be closer to its normal which helps with mental readiness in the bedroom. It’s common to have to ease back into the bedroom after having a baby!
