What is an orgasm? 

An orgasm will occur after there is proper stimulation of the genitals or erogenous zones. It’s the ultimate peak in sexual arousal, creating a wonderful and intense feeling of pleasure as your body releases sexual tension and pressure. An orgasm will allow your entire body and genital area to experience intense feelings of pleasure.

What’s happening to our body when we orgasm for those with a clitoris?

Before and during an orgasm, your heart rate, pulse, blood pressure and breathing increases. The muscles everywhere in your body, especially in your pelvic area, can become tense and start to spasm.  If your rate of breathing increases dramatically this can cause some degree of hyperventilation which can lead to mild chest pain.

When your clitoris is touched, caressed, rubbed or stroked (with varying degrees of pressure) you may become sexually aroused, the vagina becomes lubricated, expanding and lengthening with swelling of the vagina, labia and clitoris, and bringing more blood flow to this entire area. With this sexual arousal, there is an increased blood flow to the genitals and the tensing of muscles throughout the body, particularly in the genitals. An orgasm will cause the vaginal walls and muscles of the uterus will contract rhythmically. 

How do women achieve orgasm?

It’s well known that the female orgasm is under-researched and there is a lack of female’s voices discussing this complicated issue around sexual pleasure. The time is now to embrace this stigmatized topic and understand how best reach an orgasm in the most enjoyable and fulfilling way. The clitoris is the center of female pleasure which was originally thought to have 8,000 nerve fibers…at least in cows.  Recent research in humans now shows the clitoris has over 10,000 nerve fibers. Its sole purpose is to give pleasure. You have to understand how to give yourself pleasure FIRST before you can share you sexual joy with a partner. This physical, mental and emotional bond with a partner is essential for a healthy meaningful and sexual relationship.

There are 4 different phases involving the female orgasm.

They include the excitement, plateau, climax, and resolution phases. 

• Excitement includes physical responses such as swelling of the breasts, widening of the vaginal walls, hardening of the nipples, and increased heart rate and muscle tension.
• The plateau phase is a continuation of the physical changes in the first phase but these intensify, heart rate continues to rise and the clitoris may become extremely sensitive.
• In the penultimate phase of climax or orgasm, heart rate is at its highest. Muscles contract in the vagina and uterus and there is a feeling of release.
• The final phase is called resolution. While some are able to return to orgasm after this phase, resolution typically involves the body returning to its previous state. Post-orgasm is often associated with a sense of well-being. 

 

How many types of female orgasm are there?

Traditionally there are 5 primary types of female orgasms.

• Clitoral-90% of orgasm involve the clitoris. When this pea-sized organ is properly stimulated, around the clitoral hood and vulva, an orgasm will occur.
• G-Spot-Also referred to the “holy grail” of female erogenous zone. It can be tricky to find but it’s located 2 inches inside the top wall of the vagina, just behind the pubic bone.  Using the “come here” motion of your fingers, with the right amount of continuous pressure, will help locate this mysterious erogenous zone.
• Blended-A blended orgasm is combining stimulation of the clitoris and G-spot.
• Anal-Anal sex is not for everyone. Even though there are not specific erogenous zones directly related to anal play, the act of anal penetration along with stimulating other erogenous zones is sexual satisfying. Starting with well lubricated fingers or an anal plug will help ease you into anal play.
• Deep Penetrative Orgasms-There are erogenous zones near and behind the cervix which can be stimulated with very deep penetration. Deep penetrative orgasms can occur by itself or in combinations with other types of female orgasms. These orgasms can occur with a lot of foreplay in people who are deeply aroused.

 

Is it always obvious that someone is having/has had an orgasm, to both the individual having one and to others?

For some people it can appear to be “obvious” they are having an orgasm. It could be loud joyous moans combined with involuntary body movements but the truth is it can be hard to tell. Who can forget the iconic When Harry Met Sally moment of how an orgasm should sound? Certain body movements happen during an orgasm which is impossible to fake. Involuntary mini spasms of the vaginal wall can be felt with fingers or a penis during a true orgasm.  

Still for some, it’s hard to tell, and who really cares as long as the sexual experience for both people are enjoyable and real.

 

Who’s faking it?

Orgasm is obvious, right? In crossing the orgasmic finish line, your male partner ejaculates, and, if you’re a woman, you may tend towards something more, well, verbal. It’s true; women are, for the most part, more verbal than men in sex—as well as in a whole host of other circumstances. According to a large study by Charlene Muehlenhard, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, women tend to rely on more obvious signs and vocalizations to alert their partner of “mission accomplished.” Muehlenhard also says that studies done since the 70s repeatedly show, on average, heterosexual women fake their orgasms 59% of the time during vaginal sex. Similar studies find the same percentage fake orgasms during oral sex, too. 

Dr. Erin Cooper, a clinical psychologist at Temple University, found in a study on a college campus that the main reasons women fake orgasm is “out of concern for a partner’s feeling, fear of negative emotions associated with the sexual experience, sexual insecurity about their own dysfunction, concerns about being abnormal, to end sex and [interestingly enough] to increase their own sexual arousal.

What are the top 5 reasons women fake their orgasms?

ABC news found the top 5 reasons why women fake their orgasms include

1. To please their partner
2. To hurry up/get it done
3. To not hurt partner’s feelings
4. Was tired
5. Sex was not satisfying

What about lesbians, do they fake orgasms with their partner?

A study from the Journal of Sex Research found that women having lesbian sex experience higher rates of orgasm than their straight counterparts, that they have sex more often, and that they have higher levels of sexual satisfaction. Sort of makes sense since lesbians are more in touch and acquainted with other women’s bodies, making navigation easier. But, ladies, get ready for this tidbit, researchers also discovered that 24% of men fake their orgasms! What was their main reason for faking it? The desire to get sex over with!

 

Do men ever fake orgasms? 

Men fake it too! One study found that 36% of men have fake it at least once using “voice acting”.

 

What should I do if I fake my orgasms a lot?

If you desire real sexual satisfaction but find yourself faking orgasms more often than not, especially with a partner you are truly interested in, it’s best to be open about your issues and consider seeking professional help. In today’s world, no one should fake it anymore.  

You are the person in charge of your vagina and clitoris. First and foremost, get to know your female parts intimately. Understanding your sexual response is a necessary health and wellness skill. Make mastery of that skill a priority. You are the one to lead yourself to your own sexual freedom and satisfaction. Investigate, masturbate, give your vagina the attention it needs and deserves. After all, you have the power to create your sexual roadmap.

 

What is an erogenous zone?

An erogenous zone is basically any area on your body that has a heightened sensitivity when stimulated to elicit a sexual response. Erogenous zones are completely different for everybody.

Common erogenous zones include, clitoris, vagina, penis, testicle, mouth, neck, ears, lips, nipples, back, hands, lower stomach, ear lobe, hair, scalp, inner wrist, buttock, behind the knee, anus, bottoms of the feet and armpits.

Find you sweet spots! Make a date to be uninterrupted and naked with yourself or with a partner for a day—-and explore all the nukes and crannies on each other’s body.

 

Occasional I will have an orgasm while I sleep even though I am not touching myself? Why would this happen?

“Hands-free” orgasms for women can happen while you sleep.  Unlike men, women’s sexual desire, excitement and energy tend to begin in that great organ above the shoulders, rather than the one below the waist.  A woman’s orgasm is mainly psychologically driven. This also applies to orgasm happening while you sleep.  A sex dream awakens the brains which starts the cascade affect leading to orgasm. Often sexual dreams can begin a sexual response ending in an orgasm.  Some women will wake themselves up to feeling rhythmic vaginal contractions and wetness. 

 

What are some of the slang names for an orgasm?

The Big O, Get Off, Blow One’s Lump, Cleave The Pin, Le Petite Mort, At the Peak, Melt, Cum, Coming, Ejaculate, Ejaculated, Ejaculates, Ejaculations, Pleasure, Sexual Satisfaction, Squirt, Climax, Apex, Sexual Climax, Apogee, Acme, Culmination, Pinnacle, High Point, Consummation, Crest, Hit High Spot, End, Height, Reach a Peak, Pleasure, Break Record, Reach The Zenith, Rise to Crescendo, Spasm, Aphrodisia, Convulsion. Act of Love, Bust a Nut, Comings, Ecstasy, Fervor, Male Orgasm, Zeal, Achieve Orgasm, Come, Have an Orgasm, Meridian, Summit, Vertex, Cap, Accomplish, Achieve, Finish, Fulfill, Top, Tower, Break The Record, Come To A Head, Hit High Spot, Conclude, Content, Crown, End,  Please, Satisfy, Succeed, Terminate, Top, Tower, Rise to Crescendo

 

Why are “wet dreams” more common in men? 

“Wet dreams” occur when men ejaculate while they sleep.  Wet dreams begin during puberty when the male hormone, testosterone kicks into high gear creating sperm.  Male erections commonly occur spontaneously throughout the day and night.  In order for the sperm build-up to be released, ejaculation occurs.   Women do not have the same equivalent body function.  Wet dreams are more common in men who do not have a steady sex partner or masturbate regularly. 

 

Why am I not enjoying sex?

For some women, finding and/or enjoying sexual intimacy and sex is difficult, if not impossible. Research suggests that 43%

 of women report some degree of difficulty and twelve percent attribute their sexual difficulties to personal distress. Unfortunately, sexual problems worsen with age, peaking in women 45 to 64.  For many of these women, the problems of sexual dysfunction are treatable, which is why (again) it is so important for women to share their feelings and concerns with a healthcare provider.

There are five main problems under the umbrella of Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD):

• Low libido or Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD), the most common cause of a low desire or lack of interest in sex.

• Painful sex, which may stem from pain or burning during sex due to vaginal dryness or vaginal atrophy due to menopause (a time when estrogen is no longer around to hydrate the vaginal tissue).
• Difficulty in becoming sexually aroused, conveniently termed Sexual Arousal Disorder.
• Aversion to sex, a problem that tends to be associated with a history of sexual abuse.
• Inability to achieve orgasm.

 

Understanding the cause of sexual dysfunction is the most important step in optimizing a treatment plan. Relationship counseling, stress reduction, sex therapy, or a weekend away with your partner without the kids may be all that’s needed to get you back on track.  

My partner and I like to have orgasms together but it is hard to time it well? Any thoughts?

Having an orgasm at the same time as your partner is blissful but can be challenging.  As long as you know your “lead up time” to have an orgasm you can coordinate simultaneous orgasms.

Spooning each other while one partner reaches in front while the other reaches in the back to touch the clitoris can be a great way to have a simultaneous orgasm. This can also work while lying on your sides, face to face. Using a heavy-duty vibrator (Original Magic Wand is best!) while your partner lays on top of you also is a perfect way to orgasm together.

It’s all in the timing, so you and your partner need to know each other’s rhythm in order to achieve success together!

Everyone, regardless of gender, has a different sexual arousal barometer. Good communication with your partner along with sexual experiences together helps us learn our partners sexual behaviors, preferences and overall, appetite leading to orgasm. If your goal is to orgasm together, you will need to express yourself comfortably and openly to reach the finish line together.

 

What is Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)or simply put low or lack of a sex drive?

Hypoactive sexual disorder, the most common female sexual dysfunction, is characterized by a complete absence of sexual desire. For the sixteen million women who suffer from this disorder, the factors involved may vary since sexual desire in women is much more complicated than it is for men. Unlike men, women’s sexual desire, excitement, and energy tend to begin in that great organ above the shoulders, rather than the one below the waist. The daily stresses of work, money, children, relationships, and diminished energy are common issues contributing to low libido in women. Other causes may be depression, anxiety, lack of privacy, medication side effects, medical conditions such as endometriosis or arthritis, menopausal symptoms such as a dry vagina, or a history of physical or sexual abuse.  It’s not a myth after all that women are more complicated than men.

 

What’s the best treatment plan for someone suffering from a low sex drive?

Unfortunately, there has been a history of “gender injustice” in the bedroom. Women have long been ignored when it comes to finding solutions to sexual dysfunction.  The FDA has approved over 20 medications for erectile dysfunction versus only 2 for women. Clearly, little attention has been paid to the sexual concerns of women, other than those concerns that involve procreation. The FDA claims that it wants to approve medications for female sexual dysfunction, but they are waiting for ones with minimal side effects, substantial health benefits, and unlikely potential for misuse—a tall order indeed, especially for the estimated sixteen million women in the U.S. who suffer from a lack of libido.

Treatment should definitely be individualized. Lifestyle modification, education, psychotherapy, behavior therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness-based CBT, sex therapy and medications are strategies used to treat this common sexual disorder.

One of the medications that has a lot of success is Flibanserin, a drug commonly known as Addyi, and is one of the official drugs to show some benefit in improving sexual satisfaction in premenopausal and menopausal women. Side effects on Addyi include dizziness, somnolence, nausea, fatigue, insomnia, low blood pressure, fainting and dry mouth.

Testosterone, EROS device, vaginal estrogen, vaginal DHEA and the Morpheus8 and Mona Lisa Laser are all treatment options depending on the cause of you low sex drive.

Work with a trusted healthcare specialist who has experience in this area to find the best treatment options for you.

 

How long does it take, on average, a woman to orgasm?

 

A study done in 2020 estimated it took between 6 and 20 minutes for a woman to orgasm during partnered sex, with an average of 14 minutes. 69% of women reported that intercourse alone was not sufficient to lead to an orgasm. The majority of women reported that during intercourse, they would orgasm faster with longer lasting orgasms when they were on top of their partner allowing for more consistent clitoral stimulation.

 

With masturbation, an orgasm took an average of 8 minutes. During an orgasm, the muscles in the vagina may contract once per second for around 5 to 8 times. Women’s orgasms depend on many factors, including the amount and type of sexual stimulation, the state of the relationship, a person’s overall health, and how she feels about her partner and sex in general.

 

Women must communicate with their partner on what they like and don’t like to orgasm.

 

How long does it take, on average, for a man to orgasm?

 

The average time it takes for a man to orgasm is 5 to 6 minutes during vaginal intercourse. And when it comes to masturbation, men take just 2 minutes.  The typical male orgasm will last anywhere between 5 and 22 seconds. An estimated 1 in 3 men have experienced premature ejaculation. 

 

 What is the “orgasm gap” between men and women?

In general, it’s easier, far less complicated, and faster for men to orgasm compared to women. Men, on average, can have an orgasm within 5 minutes. Women, on the other hand, have a harder time achieving orgasm taking on average of 14-20 minutes to achieve one. The orgasm gap describes heterosexual women having fewer orgasms then men, which should not surprise anyone.

Heterosexual women fake their orgasms 59% of the time during vaginal sex.

 

Here’s the problem.  A very interesting statistic is straight sex lasts an average of 7 minutes. Very few women can have an orgasm in 7 minutes. So, no one is surprised to know that 25% of women faked it 90% of the time. 80% of women fake orgasms during vaginal sex at least half the time and why?? The 3 most common reasons include wanting to please a partner, wanting to hurry it up and not wanting to hurt your partner’s feelings.

 

Both partners must understand the orgasm gap to women can be allowed the time and energy to achieve an orgasm. Education matters, especially under the sheets.

Why is it important to remember that orgasms aren’t the end-all-be-all for sex? 

 

For some women, not achieving an orgasm during sexual activity is fine and acceptable. There are times where having an orgasm is not possible and it’s good to know it’s not always the endgame with your partner or with yourself. To these women, the closeness, touching, cuddling, kissing and sharing of affection is more important than the actual orgasm. Other women may feel that if they don’t have an orgasm, they have a sexual problem or an orgasmic disorder.  Be honest with yourself and your partner. If you are not able to orgasm during sexual activity with your partner, let it be known, it’s liberating…and much better than faking it!

 

Can women squirt with orgasm? 

I have often been asked if it’s normal to “squirt” during an orgasm. “Gushing, Squirting, Female Ejaculation, Coming” are words to describe a true sexual phenomenon.    When sexually aroused or stimulated there is an expulsion of fluid that comes from the glands around a women’s urethra, or anterior surface of the vagina, during or before an orgasm.  This occurrence is also thought to be related to having your G-spot stimulated.  It was found that 10-50% of women have at one time or another had a “gushing” moment during orgasm.  For some the gush feels as though you are wetting the bed and for others it is less obvious.  Others are confused that they are actually losing urine when sexually aroused.  If you think that the fluid is actually urine than this should be further discussed with your health care provider.

 

Can women have multiple orgasms?

Those with a clitoris are capable of multiple orgasm if they have the time, patience and desire to do so. Most women and their partners don’t plan on having multiple orgasm plain and simple. The majority of women are happy having one orgasm and don’t have the time or energy to work on having another. Barbara Bartlik, MD, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University in New York, NY as says, “These days, people are very busy and they just don’t have time for sex. When they do have time for sex, they don’t have the energy to work for more than one orgasm,” she says. They may also feel greedy about looking for a second or third orgasm. It feels like asking for a second or third slice of birthday cake. “Many women are comfortable and satisfied with one orgasm, and they don’t want to try for more,” says Bartlik, who adds, “Instead of thinking about multiple orgasms as an embarrassment of riches, why not think of them as making up for lost time?”

Jennifer Bareffot, MA says “Multiple orgasms are a series of sequential orgasmic experiences that occur in quick succession. And when it comes to multiples, women have the biological upper hand over men. This is because unlike men, women don’t experience a refractory period (the period of time after men ejaculate when they can’t be aroused). So women can and do respond immediately after orgasm to more (or hopefully continuous) clitoral, vaginal, and G-spot (that small, raised bump of urethral tissue just inside your vagina along its front wall) stimulation.”

 

Barbara Bartlik, MD, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University in New York, NY as says women can “teach” themselves how to have multiple orgasms.

Here are her recommendations:

• Learn your body. You have to crawl before you walk; you have to have one orgasm before you can have multiple orgasms. Get to know your body’s hot spots and not-spots. This is the essential foundation to sexual response. 
• Practice. It takes practice (both by yourself and with your partner) to achieve multiple orgasms. It’s sort of like learning to have your first orgasm. You have to immerse yourself in fantasy, or do whatever it takes to get you aroused, and you have to use lots of lubrication so that you can keep trying for more orgasms by stimulating all of your genital area, while focusing your attention to your clitoris, vagina, and G-spot. 
• Slow down, and use lots of foreplay, especially foreplay that focuses on clitoral stimulation. 
• Get some rest beforehand. Often, experiencing multiples is limited by your lack of sleep. After one orgasm, many women feel relaxed. So relaxed, that they may want to drift off to sleep. But if you are well rested, you can resist that sleep temptation, and work for another orgasm, and another, and another. 
• After the first orgasm, the orgasms “come” easier. It might take10 to 15 minutes to reach your first orgasm, but your second can occur in as little as five minutes, and your third in only two minutes. Keep going as long as you’re having fun.

Why would I have pain with my orgasm? 

 

Pain with orgasm is probably more common than woman talk about. Causes of painful orgasms include not be adequately lubricated, vulvar or clitoral irritants such as soaps, creams and rubber products, vulvar skin conditions such as Lichen Sclerosis, vaginal dryness caused by menopause and rough sex.

 

In addition to painful orgasm’s, you may also experience excruciating sex. There are many reasons including vaginal dryness, vaginal infections, vaginal tears, latex allergy, ruptured ovarian cyst, endometriosis, vaginismus (involuntary spasm of vaginal muscles at the entrance to the vagina), virginal, emotional problems such as anxiety, history of sexual abuse and positional sex.  

 

What is edging?

Edging is controlling your orgasms. It involves sexual stimulation and stopping just before you are about to orgasm. The idea is to control your sexual enjoyment for longer periods of time, intensifying the experience. 

The primary benefit is to increase the intensity of orgasm. People with premature ejaculation may find edging beneficial since it ultimately increases the duration of sex before orgasm. Practice makes perfect during solo or partner play!