Is watching porn “bad” for me or me and my partner to watch together?

 

Porn isn’t automatically good or bad, it really depends on the person, interest and the situation. Important things to keep in mind are that it should only involve consenting adults. Porn can create unrealistic expectations and hurt intimacy if it replaces honest communication with a partner.  Unfortunately, some people can develop compulsive uses of porn that harms work, mood, or relationships.  What worse is some porn is made unethically, so choosing the type of porn and reputable makers is important. Also consider your own values and remember that minors should never view it. If your use is causing shame, relationship problems, or loss of control, reaching out to a trusted person or a mental-health professional can really help. Ultimately, porn can be fun and help you and your partner explore more adventures under the sheets!

 

What impact is the porn industry having on women and men when it comes to vaginas?

 

The truth is a lot of women don’t like their vaginas. 1 in 7 women have considered getting ”labial-plasty” which basically is trimming and tucking the lips of the vagina and tightening up the entrance.  Many women admit that 1 in 5 compare themselves to those vaginas seen in porn. With porn on the rise, vaginas are everywhere. And yet, no one seems to want to admit how this new prevalence, and its resulting misconceptions about sex and the vagina is—or isn’t—changing our romantic and sexual relationships and our relationships to our bodies and ourselves.

Dr. Gail Dines is a professor of sociology, modern day hero and a leading anti-porn feminist to tie the “porn monster down that has taught our girls to hypersexualized and pornify themselves.” Dr. Dines is on a mission of education, within which she and her group Cultured Reframed plan to use a public health approach similar to how my generation was educated about drinking alcohol and driving. She won’t be the only one wanting to reclaim our young girls and boys!

There’s no denying it. Porn is everywhere. Dr. Dines puts a perspective on this issue of accessibility of porn when she tells us, “Porn sites get more visitors each month then Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined.” A recent statistic found that 70% of children ages 8 to 18 report having unintentionally stumbled across pornography online. The average age for a child to be exposed to pornography is now 11 years old. This means that our children are often “learning” about “normal” sexual behavior and physical appearance from the likes of Jenna Jameson and John Holmes. Many women (and men) now expect, even want, all vaginas to look like Jenna’s does. Girls and guys alike visit porn and other sexually graphic web sites, and not just to get off, but also to see what the perfect vagina and the ideal penis look like.

 

What can we do to fight against the negative impact porn has on women? 

My biggest concern is the ever-growing big business of porn.  It has become a public health issue similar to alcohol and drug addiction.  Porn has been the cause of failed marriages, losing a job and taking people down a dark path of self-destruction. The studies are clear, porn addicts will suffer damaging effects, both short and long term.

Young women have easy access to health information through social media, the internet, chat rooms, gossip magazines and, yes, porn.  So much of what women find through these channels is full of misleading, inaccurate, and mentally confusing information.  

This is where I come in—with my agenda of vagina empowerment! I want to reduce your anxiety and help young women have more realistic expectations about what’s normal by giving them an accurate view of the vagina in general. Believe me, the perfect vagina is actually a medical norm and not an aesthetic ideal. The only qualities that make a vagina “perfect” are good health and personal confidence.   

We, as a society, need to find ways to manage this ever-growing problem for the sexual health of women and men of all ages, ethnicities, cultures and demographics. Everyone must become involved and take responsibility to do their part to stop children and young women from becoming exposed to porn at the wrong time in their lives when they are not ready to properly process what they are seeing.  The time is now to stop the porn monster from negatively influencing our views on what is normal in the bedroom. Porn can be a part of your sexual life as long as it doesn’t consume it!

 

What’s Polyamory sex?

An adventurous, open love between committed partners, polyamory is a type of lifestyle that provides freedom in bringing another partner (or two… or five) to a relationship without boundaries or judgment. There are many happily committed couples that believe it’s possible to love more than one person at a time, not just in the bedroom, but also in day-to-day life. It’s not as uncommon as you may think. In fact, as many as five percent of Americans are currently in a consensual, non-monogamous relationship, which means that the committed couple are allowed to look outside the relationship for love or sex or both. Traditional boundaries don’t apply, and the rules are by mutual agreement.  Obviously, this form of love sharing is for those of a similar mindset, those who are open to welcoming new partners to an existing relationship. Those involved in polyamory contend that this particular type of love is based on honesty, respect, and romantic commitment—of course, the basis for any good and satisfying relationship—but polys (as they’re referred to) design their own rules as to what their poly family ought to look like. A poly family is created with the members’ own rules, style, and creativity. It can be as big or as small as desired, as long as the members are in consensus. 

Polyamory is not just Big Love or niche reality TV anymore; it’s a growing lifestyle. In fact, the very first International Academic Polyamory Conference occurred in February 2016 in Berkeley, California (not a surprise, given that Berkeley is one of the most politically and socially liberal cities in the country).

No strings attached with Polyamory Love!

• Poly people don’t feel that something is missing from a current relationship when they bring in a secondary partner.

• Around thirty percent of the poly community considers one partner as their primary partner. The other seventy percent don’t want to commit to a primary or secondary partner. Psychologist Bjarne Holmes, a specialist in romantic relationships, points out that many polys live in triads or quads, in the belief that one partner is not more important than another.

• Polyamorous relationships are considered to be committed and respectful. Within them is open communication—all factors in a healthy relationship.

• Many polyamorous relationships involve children. To date, there has not been enough research to point to any negative effects of polyamory families on children, but early research finds that it is not detrimental. 

Whereas other pursuits of the adventurous V tend to be more sex driven, polyamory embraces the idea that one may love as many people as one feels compelled to love, while, at the same time, blending in with society. 

The case for polyamory is one more argument for the idea that in today’s world there is no such thing as a traditional family. Tradition? Tradition! [cue music] Tradition appears to be what you make it.

 

How common is swinging?

Swinging in America has its roots in early 1950s upscale suburban communities. It was, and remains, a way for married couples to engage in recreational, non-monogamous relationships, ostensibly without cheating on each other. One married couple may look to the lifestyle as a chance to spice up their own sex life; another may be looking for the opportunity to explore bisexuality without being labeled as gay. A couple may be drawn to Swinging as a chance to act at voyeur, without the risk of being judged, and yet another may view Swinging as an antidote to divorce! Partners who might otherwise run the risk of sneaky (and, ultimately, hurtful or destructive) extramarital affairs may consider Swinging as an acceptable alternative. Whatever the reason, participants in this unique lifestyle are free to experience their sexuality outside of the fear or shame of what others may think, as, aside from acceptance, there are certain unwritten rules of privacy within the Swinging community. And, no, you’re not crazy for considering it.

Our sexuality is a natural and important part of our identity, and it can be driven by a number of things, including our upbringing, religious convictions, friendships, past sexual experiences and self-confidence. If you and your partner are interested in exploring your sexuality through Swinging, you need to discuss the implications of such an endeavor before you embark on it. 

Voice your concerns, fears or insecurities to each other, and, certainly, know that the use of condoms is standard operating procedure as the risk for STIs potentially increases with additional sexual partners, no matter your erotic preference. 

Dr Melissa Richman, a Beverly Hills, Psychologist explains, “Swingers do not confuse love with lust and don’t swing because of boredom. Fantasies are lived out in secure relationships. Swingers believe they can’t just get sexual gratification from one person. Our sexual needs sometimes need fulfillment from variety.  It is known that people and couples who swing are happier than monogamous couples. Way more fulfilled.

 

What is a sexual fetish?

There’s that chuckle-inducing six-letter word: Fetish. It does seem like lately we’re always reading about the fetish-ization of one thing or another—everything from food to fannies and Mid-Century Modern anything. For the record, Webster’s Dictionary defines fetish as 1) a strong and unusual need or desire for something, 2) an object that is believed to have magical powers, and 3) a need or desire for an object, body part, or activity for sexual excitement. Bingo! 

People with sexual fetishes need to touch, smell, look at, or engage in a fantasy with their desired object in order to function sexually alone or with a partner. Interestingly, and perhaps not surprisingly, boys and men are traditionally more prone to fetishes. As Dr. Richman corroborates, “We know men have fetishes around women’s panties and the vagina, but fetish with women is rarely talked about and a less likely occurrence. A man with a fetish for women’s panties may want or feel control over a woman in thinking that he has control over a woman’s vagina [via her panties]. This fantasy of dominance over a woman’s vagina can become obsessive. There is the menstruation fetish, the hairy vagina fetish, pee fetish, as well as the fat vagina fetish.”

So much for the breakdown of the panty fetish. In a wider study, involving 150,000 male and female members of an Internet discussion group on fetishism, the erotic preferences broke down as follows:

Preferences for Non-genital Body Parts – 33% of the group:

• Feet or Toes (a whopping 47%)
• Body Fluids, such as blood or urine (9%)
• Body Features, such as obesity, height, hair, muscle and body modifications such as tattoos and piercings (44%)

 

Preferences for Objects Associated with the Body – 30% of the group:

• Footwear (34%)
• Clothing and Accessories worn on the legs and buttocks, such as stockings and skirts (33%)
• Costumes, and, less commonly, stethoscopes, wristwatches, and diapers (33%) 

 

What are some of the least common and strange sexual fetishes?

Fetish preferences for most of the remaining 37% of the 150,000 people surveyed:

• Anasteemaphilia, the attraction to one because of a difference in height.
• Axillism, the act of using the armpit for sex.
• Cropophilia, a fetish for feces.
• Dacryphilia, the arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of a partner.
• Ecouteurism, sexual arousal from hearing others have sex.
• Emetophiliam, sexual arousal from vomit or vomiting.
• Endytophilia, the desire to keep one’s clothes on during intercourse.
• Exhibitionism, an abnormal compulsion to expose the genitals with the intent of provoking sexual interest in the viewed.
• Formicophilia, a fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
• Hybristophillia, sexual attraction and arousal from sex with criminals.
• Masophilia, sexual pleasure obtained from receiving punishment (physical or psychological).
• Nasophilia, sexual arousal derived from the sight, touch, licking or sucking of your partner’s nose.
• Necrophilia, an erotic attraction to corpses.
• Sadism—the opposite of masophilia—sexual gratification gained through causing pain or degradation to others.
• Siderodromophilia, sexual arousal from riding on trains.

 

Is having a fetish make a person a social deviate?

Short answer: No, unless the pattern of the erotic fetish is persistent and creates significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other vital areas of daily functioning. When that’s the case, psychotherapy may be recommended. However, know that there are many fetishes that are harmless for a person or couple.

Beverly Hills Dr. Melissa Richman, “maintains, “Overall, nothing is unhealthy unless it becomes disruptive to healthy functioning. However, people who engage in non-traditional sexual practices such as Swinging and sexual fetishism often report that they struggle to find therapists and medical professionals who don’t view their behavior as deviant. Although consensual adult activities and porn involving fetishes do not constitute ‘traditional’ sexual behavior and sex play, they are not diagnosable as pathology. To diagnose as pathology, such behavior would have to meet the criteria of causing distress to self or harm to another.” 

Reminds me of the age-old saying, “You do what you want, as long as you don’t hurt anybody.” 

 

What about having sex with animals?

Zoophilia is a paraphilia where people feel sexually attracted to animals causing.

Dr. Melissa Richman states, “The noteworthy concept here is that some feel sex with a non human is more pleasurable than a human for less risk of judgment and greater room for unconditional love. The controversy of this idea is remarkable.” 

 

A pioneering researcher in zoophilia, Maryland-based sexologist Hani Miletski, found similarly in her Internet surveys that more than half of the 93 self-identified zoophiles she’d spoken to (82 men and 11 women with an average age of thirty-eight years) reported being more attracted to animals than to people. 

 

Dr. Richman continues, “Many people give human qualities to their pets which satisfies the unconditional longing for love.  Some have significant sexual abuse histories and some quite functional daily lives with these experiences with some form of sex with their pets. Women who have intercourse animals could also have trauma to their sexual organs, including the vagina, and if the animal ejaculates in her body, the health risks are high.  Dogs are frequently used by women for bestiality and the dangers physically are serious.” 

 

How common are sex toys used?

For centuries, sex toys have been used to increase sexual pleasure. Far from being taboo, sex toys are welcomed into the bedrooms of more than 25% of adults surveyed from around the world, and now constitute a $15 billion industry. Stereotypes of sex toys are passé, and in some cases, the business of sex toys has been rebranded “sexual wellness.”

When passing sex toys between partners, such as vibrators shared between women, make sure that the dildo or vibrator is properly cleaned with non-fragrant soap and warm water. Vaginal infections and STIs can easily be passed from partner to partner via those toys if you’re not vigilant.

Want the good news on sex toys? Benefits for women include higher levels of sexual function and greater satisfaction with partners. The benefits are similar for men as well, including lower risks of heart disease, stroke, and diabetes—a good return on a relatively low-cost investment, indeed.

 

What are the most common sex toys used? 

Top Sex Toys for Women:

• Dildos. Ever versatile, they can be made of rubber, plastic, glass, metal or wood (and, infrequently, vegetable). Large, larger!, small, thick, thin, brown, purple, rainbow, the choice is yours!  A dildo resembles a penis and may have many unique features to enhance sexual pleasure. Some are textured and/or curved in order to stimulate the G-spot, clitoris, or anus, and to provide other stimulatory benefits.

• Vibrators. I do find that my patients love their vibrators. Vibrators are available in a variety of styles, shapes, and intensities—powered by battery or power cords, or fully rechargeable. A vibrator exists for every sexual need.

• Restraints. Just what they sound like—handcuffs, blindfolds, masks, neckties, scarves, or anything else that might be used in bondage.

Do men like to use vibrators? 

Yes! Men enjoy using vibrators along the shaft or had of their penis, or around the base of their penis and close to or on their scrotum. Vibrators can be shared with partners during any kind of sexual activity or during solo-play.