What should I focus on in sexual wellness in my 20’s?
Your 20’s are spent trying to understand your body, your sexuality and your ability to feel and receive pleasure. Every woman in her 20s is quietly trying to figure out what is “her” normal. According to a recent study from the University of Montreal, sexual desires and behaviors that are considered abnormal in psychiatry are actually the norm. So, unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to sexual norm, but there is a way to help you understand your own normal—your own sexuality. Explore you pleasure and erogenous zones and know what you like and enjoy so you can share it with a partner.
Why is sex so important?
Our sex and sexuality are as part of our lives as is eating and sleeping. Having sex-with yourself or a partner- is an important aspect of our wellbeing, and, in a healthy romantic relationship, it’s as important as love and affection. Enjoyable sex is learned. Sure, there’s instinct and maybe a dusting of magic involved, but you don’t magically have an orgasm without having an active role in making it happen. You and your partner have to acknowledge each other’s likes and dislikes, and learn how to satisfy each other. Open and honest conversations are necessary to make the sexual experience optimal for both of you, whether you have multiple partners or self-esteem to spare.
Low Sex Drive
Why do I have a low sex drive?
Intimacy, sex and orgasm often all begin with desire. If you don’t have any desire, you will not be able to have an orgasm-plain and simple, mission will not be accomplished! Let’s face it a woman’s sex drive is complicated and often challenging to understand. A low sex drive or low libido is the most common sexual complaint affecting millions (40 million to be exact!) of women. Women’s sexual desire and appetite begins in that great organ above the shoulders, rather than the one below the waist. The daily stresses of work, money, children, relationships and diminished energy are common issues contributing to a low libido in women. Other causes may be pain with sex, depression, anxiety, lack of privacy, medication side effects, medical conditions such as endometriosis, high blood pressure or arthritis, menopausal symptoms, or a history of physical or sexual abuse. Significant and on-going stress also affects our libido.
Is having sex really healthy for you?
There are very few things better in life for your heart, body and soul, literally, then consensual sex. Emotionally, sex is comforting, calming, relieves stress, reduces anxiety and boosts your confidence and overall sense of well-being. It’s also thought that regular sex allows women and men to look younger and live longer. There are many physical benefits. For starters, the act of sexual intimacy can be a great workout and count as such for many as their daily exercise regimen. Other medical benefits of regular sex is it makes for a stronger immune system, fighting off common illnesses such as colds and having less sick days from work. Regular sex helps lower your blood pressure and lowers your risk of heart attacks. Sex stimulates the vaginas natural secretions and increases blood flow. The natural lubrication created by the vagina keeps the integrity of the tissue healthy and strong. The more sex you have the more sex you want so it’s a great to boost your sexual desire and libido. Regular sex is ideal for a healthy relationship and supports healthy living. It’s also important to point out regular sex with yourself also has health benefits. Masturbation also gives you some of these same physical and emotional perks.
Do I really have to make sex a priority?
Regardless of your age, a person’s sexual health has to be made a priority in life. Despite life’s expected obstacles and hormonal challenges, a sexual and intimate life reminds you that your body deserves to be celebrated and pleasure may be within an arm’s reach.
It’s uncomfortable for me to talk about sex? Any Advice?
People are not talking about sexual health or making it a priority. It may give you comfort knowing that 40% of your girlfriends are having some sexual difficulties as well. Depending where you are in life, sexual health issues create a roadblock. It may surprise you that 10 to 50% of women have never had an orgasm. You may wonder how this is possible but talking about sex and sexual dysfunction is not a comfortable conversation with your partner, your BFF or your health care provider. 50% of women never share this information with their health care provider and anyone else for that matter.
Is there something wrong with me if I can’t have an orgasm during vaginal penetration?
With its 10,000 highly sensitive nerve endings, the main function of the clitoris is to give pleasure. When stimulated, it becomes 3 times its size, and will ultimately bring you to an orgasm. During vaginal penetration, if may be difficult to have a clitoral orgasm but 25% of women can have a vaginal orgasm. The majority of women have a clitoral orgasm only during oral and manual stimulation of the clitoris. With patience and practice you can learn to have a vaginal orgasm, but you usually need to have the clitoris stimulated at the same time.
Is it normal to feel like I wet the bed during sex?
Gushing, squirting, ejaculation and coming are all words to describe a true sexual phenomenon. When sexually aroused or stimulated there is an expulsion of fluid that comes from the glands around a women’s urethra, or anterior surface of the vagina, during or before an orgasm. This occurrence is also thought to be related to having your G-spot stimulated. It was found that 10-40% of women have at one time or another had a “gushing” moment during orgasm. For some the gush feels as though you are wetting the bed and for others it is less obvious.
Vibrators
Is it strange that I can only have an orgasm with my vibrator and not with my partner?
For many women having an orgasm with a vibrator is a no-brainer since there is not as much work involved. It’s important to communicate what you like in bed, what gets you excited and what you like done to you to orgasm, in order to be able to have a sexually satisfying relationship with your partner.
What are the benefits of using a vibrator?
It’s exciting to hear that over 50% of women own and use a vibrator regularly. Vibrators help us navigate our sexual hot spots more easily and, sometimes more efficiently.
Vibrators make having an orgasm easier, faster and even more intense for many women. They can be a resourceful and effective way of masturbating. Vibrators can also help you guide your partner to what you especially like under the sheets.
How do vibrators actually help with orgasms?
Vibrators can stimulate the clitoris in ways that makes achieving an orgasm much easier and faster especially for those that have other medical reasons that make having an orgasm harder to achieve. Medical conditions and aging can ruin your libido, decrease blood flow to the clitoris and vagina, dry up your normal vaginal secretions and cause pain with sexual penetration. A vibrator can be just what the doctor ordered.
Vibrators have long been a taboo and the best kept secret. The time is now to bring the vibrator out of the closet as it’s really a girl’s best friend. It’s time to embrace our sexuality and enjoy using whatever type of sex toy turns you on.
Does vibrator use decrease clitoral or vaginal sensitivity over time?
The good news is using a vibrator should not decrease clitoral or vaginal sensitivity. Moderating in life should always be exercised even when using a vibrator. Excessive use of a vibrator may make having an orgasm with your partner impossible.
Vibrators can make it challenging for your partner to be as efficient in getting you to the finish line. Work with your partner so you don’t become vibrator dependent.
I have been using a vibrator forever and now I am in a relationship, worried I won’t be able to cum without one. What do you suggest?
For many women having an orgasm with a vibrator is a no-brainy, there is not much work involved. It’s important to communicate what you like in bed and what gets you excited in order to be able to have a sexually satisfying relationship with your partner. Variety is important in the bedroom otherwise your body will only want one way to orgasm.
What should I avoid when selecting the right vibrator for me?
It’s so important to make sure the vibrator you buy is safe to use which means it should be free of toxic chemicals such as polyvinyl chloride (PVC), vinyl and jelly rubber which contain harmful phthalates toxins. You want to make sure the vibrator cannot cause any trauma to any of your lady parts including the vagina, labia or clitoris.
Avoid vibrators that are absorbent, spongy, permeable or porous/semi-porous materials since they increase the risk of bacteria buildup which can cause yeast, bacterial or urinary tract infections. Porous material traps dirt and bacteria increasing the risk of a variety of infections. The better quality non-porous material is safer and less likely to increase your risk of infection.
Also, always wash your vibrator with warm water and soap after and between using it. Finding a vibrator that looks easy to use and not too complicated!
Can I be addicted to my vibrator?
Vibrator addiction can be a real thing if you allow it to be so. Moderation is the key in life, in health and in using a vibrator. You can really never over use a vibrator unless it starts to interfere with your daily activities such as work, school or your current sexual relationship.
Where is my G-Spot?
The G-spot is located 2 to 3 inches on the anterior entrance of the vagina feels prominent and spongy. Pushing your fingers 2 inches beyond the G-spot allows you to find the A-spot. Finding your personal sweet spots is unique for everyone. Practice makes perfect! Find your personal roadmap under the sheets, it’s your responsibility!
Where is my A-Spot?
The A-spot is an erogenous zone in the vagina that can bring you to orgasm, multiple times, according to women who have found its location. The A-spot is located in one of the deepest parts of the top or front wall of the vagina. You can find it with fingers, reaching deep inside the vagina and sweeping your fingers in a windshield wiper motion. Pressure and movement with fingers may be the best way to find the A-spot. Others describe its location at the back end of the clitoris, where the wall inside the vagina begins to curve upwards. Vaginal sex with a penis is not necessary in order to find the A-spot. The A-spot can also be found with anal sex with an indirect stimulation between the vagina and the rectum which can stimulate this highly sensitive area.
I love having sex with my GF using a dildo and strap on. It’s a great orgasm for me, are dildo’s safe?
Many women love to have something inside their vagina when their clitoris is being simulated. If you don’t have a male partner, have a female partner or are going solo for some sexual satisfaction, dildos add that feeling of fullness inside the vagina while stimulating the clitoris. Dildos with a suction cup on the base allow you to attach it onto a shower wall and have wet n’ wild time while conditioning your hair in the morning. Dildos are the perfect sex toy to use when masturbating, anytime day or night! Lesbians and bi-sexual women love using a dildo that is strapped onto their partner. Using a strap on belt allows your partner to use a dildo to penetrate the vagina or anus while caressing the clitoris at the same time. It’s a definite turn on for this group of women!
Can Ben Wa Balls give me a yeast infection?
Ben Wa Balls, also known as Orgasm balls, Geisha balls, love balls, Kegel balls or smart balls allow your vagina to do some sexual bench pressing of the pelvic floor muscles. The weighted Ben Wa Balls places the vagina on stand by for something wonderful that is about to happen. These sexually tantalizing balls go inside the vagina to help tighten and squeeze the walls of the vagina against them. This pelvic floor tightening is also known as a Kegel exercise which can increase sexual sensation before and during penetrative sex or orgasm. Ben Wa Balls are also helpful for urinary incontinence and other pelvic floor dysfunction. Before and after using any kind of “balls” inside the vagina make sure you properly clean they with warm water and antibacterial soap and dry them well with a clean towel.
I want to try a Butt Plug with my partner, what is the best way to use them?
Butt plugs are a popular sex toy for all genders. Close to 40% of women have tried anal sex, at least one in their life, and many more have tried butt plugs. Butt plugs help stretch the opening of the anus, providing a full sensation that is pleasurable. It’s best to start with a small or medium size butt plug. Make sure you are adequately lubricated, using silicone lube on the butt plug itself, and on the anal area, since the anus is not self-lubricating, like the vagina. Silicone lube will not break the material for a silicone butt plug and is the preferred lubricant. Make sure the size feels comfortable upon gentle insertion. Sometimes it’s easier using a well lubricated finger inside the anus to help massage the opening of the anus in preparation for the butt plug. Doing so will make insertion of the butt plug easier. Once the anus is relaxed, you can gently insert the butt plug. With the butt plug inserted, squeeze the anus with the toy inside and this will help the anal sphincter relax and open. Once fully inserted you can enjoy the pleasure and “fullness” that the butt plug provides. Remember the butt plus is reserved for the booty only. Don’t insert it into the vagina unless the butt plug been washed and cleaned thoroughly so harmful bacterial from the anus won’t be transferred into the vagina. Have fun!
I swear I had an orgasm while my partner and I had a great make-out session. Does that happen?
Kissing is incredibly erotic, especially long and passionate “make out” sessions with someone you love or like a lot. Passionate kissing is often the very best foreplay you can have during an intimate encounter. Since women are aroused in many different ways, the act of kissing can definitely bring you to orgasm without any sexual stimulation.
Birth Control & Sex
Can the birth control pill cause vaginal dryness?
Yes, the birth control pill can make your vagina feel like the Sahara Desert. If you are experiencing a new onset of vaginal dryness with your current birth control pill ask your healthcare provider to put you on another brand to see if it helps. Keep trying until you find the right pill, or change your birth control to an IUD or arm implant for less vaginal side effects.
Can I get pregnant if I have sex on my period?
While it’s hard to get pregnant during your period there are many women who use their period as a form of contraception. For some women with shorter intervals between periods (for example 21 days between each period) these women ovulate on day 7 or 8 so they are prone to getting pregnant at the end of a long period. Ovulation is the 24 hour window when the egg is available for the sperm to fertilize. With fewer days between each period you will ovulate earlier in the month. For women who have a period every 21 days and a period lasting 7 days they can get pregnant on day 5, 6 or 7 if they have unprotected sex. Even though the risk is small, pregnancy can happen since sperm can live for 3 days!
My boyfriend likes the pulls out method for our birth control, how reliable is that so I don’t get pregnant?
The pull out or withdrawal method is not a reliable birth control method. Some call it “pull and pray” method given its high failure rate. It tends to be passed on as a great birth control method by your group of BFF’s. Right before ejaculation your partner might have released some fluid called “pre-ejaculation” which is the liquid that comes out of the penis before ejaculation. The liquid may have active and viable sperm that can make you pregnant.
Sex Toys
How do I clean my sex toy?
Here are some helpful cleaning rules to help avoid unwanted bacteria buildup that may cause vaginal and urinary tract infections.
- Always take out the batteries, unplug, and/or remove electronic attachments before washing and try to avoid getting electrical areas of sex toys wet.
- Avoid using harsh abrasives or rubbing alcohol on porous materials
- Toys made of silicone or glass may be boiled or run through the dishwasher.
- Store toys in a dry cool place and avoid direct sunlight
Can I overuse my vibrator? Can my vibrator desensitize my vagina?
Having an orgasm with a vibrator can take very little work…flip the switch, clear your mind and you should be good to go! Vibrators can make it challenging for your partner to be as efficient in getting you to the finish line (so to speak). It’s important to communicate what you like in bed, and what gets you excited, in order to be able to have a sexually satisfying relationship with your partner. You never want to be vibrator dependent!
